I decided it was all a lie. I told myself it was smarter to follow my logic. To reject the Bible, to reject the teachings I grew up with. I couldn’t ignore the contradictions anymore. The historical fallacies. The parts of the Bible that just didn’t make sense. It all seemed so impossible, so unrealistic. There were so many questions I couldn’t answer, so many things that didn’t add up. How could I still believe in something that seemed so fully fictional? How could I trust in something that had so much evidence against it? My mind, full of reason and doubt, said it wasn’t real. And so I walked away. I shut the door on God, on Jesus, on everything I had known.

But time has a way of changing things. Slowly, I started to rebuild my life. I found a new love - one that’s real, healthy, solid. My husband is exactly what I needed. Someone who accepts and loves me for who I am, communicates kindly and with empathy; who understands that I am a flawed human who makes mistakes. He chooses to be committed to me and to our marriage, and allows room for the fact that I'm going to make mistakes as a human being. And I strengthened my friendships, found a community that loves me without judgment. I’ve healed my mental health, too. The darkness of the past has lifted, and I see more clearly now. But still… there’s a part of me that aches for something I can’t fully touch, something I can’t fully understand.

And while my husband, kids, friends, and community are all amazing, no one human can meet all our needs or love us perfectly. I also can't provide that for anyone, and I understand and accept that, but there’s a part of me that yearns for a deeper, unconditional, unwavering, all-accepting, all-encompassing love that isn't bound by human limitations. A love that’s described by how Jesus loved but that feels so distant, so elusive. I want it. I want to believe in it, to trust in it with everything I have. But I can’t help but ask: Is it real? Can I really believe in this love that the Bible speaks of when the very thing I read is full of contradictions, of things that don’t make sense, of historical inaccuracies that scream at me every time I try to read it with open eyes?

The Struggle of Wanting It and Doubting It

I feel like I’m standing on the edge of something. Something I want, something I need, but something I’m not sure is real. The longing for Jesus’ love, the love that is unconditional, unrelenting, always there, never dependent on who I am or what I do - that love sounds like the answer to everything I’ve been searching for. I want to believe in it. I need to believe in it. But I can’t get past the questions.

How can I believe in a book that was written centuries ago, for a different culture, mindset, lifestyle, and with all its inconsistencies? How can I trust in stories that don’t seem to fit with what I know to be true or possible? How can I reconcile the love Jesus offers with the harshness I see in the world, or even in the church itself?

My heart is torn. I want to follow Jesus. I want to live the way He called us to, with love, with grace, with forgiveness. I want to believe that His death and resurrection mean something for me, that they offer hope in my brokenness, but the weight of doubt feels so heavy. The intellectual side of me can’t escape the contradictions, the fallacies, the unanswered questions. And it leaves me wondering: What if it’s not real? What if it’s all just a fairy tale, a beautiful story we tell ourselves to make sense of a broken world?

And yet… I want it to be real. Desperately. I want to believe in that love. I want to know that Jesus sees me in all my mess and still chooses me. That He loves me even when I struggle. Even when I don’t understand. Even when I doubt every word I read in the Bible.

Is It Real? Can I Trust It?

That’s the question that haunts me every day: Is it real? I read the Bible and I see things that feel impossible - stories that don’t seem to match up with what I know of history or science. I’ve learned too much to ignore the fallacies, the contradictions, the things that just don’t make sense. So how can I trust it? How can I believe it?

And then there’s the other side of me - the side that desperately wants this to be true. The side that has longed for unconditional love, for a peace that wraps me in its arms. The side that still believes that Jesus’ message of love and grace is what this world needs. I want it. I need it. I can’t imagine living without that hope. But can I have that hope and still wrestle with doubt? Can I yearn for Jesus’ love while questioning the very foundation of the faith?

I think the answer is yes. I think I can still choose to believe, even if I don’t have all the answers. Even if I can’t reconcile every piece of history, every contradiction, every fallacy that my mind throws at me. I think belief isn’t about having everything figured out. It’s about choosing to trust in love - trusting that what I yearn for is real, even when my head says otherwise.

The Love I Long For

I think of the love that Jesus offers - the kind of love that doesn’t ask me to be perfect, doesn’t demand I have all the answers, doesn’t turn away because of my doubts. That love is what I need. That love is what I long for. The love that forgives me, the love that sees me as I am, and still holds me close. The love that doesn’t ask me to fix myself before I come to Him, but says, “Come as you are. I love you no matter what.”

Romans 5:8 says, “But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.”

It doesn’t say that we have to have all the answers or be perfect before we can receive His love. It says He loves us while we’re still sinners, while we’re still broken, while we’re still questioning. That’s the love I want. The love I desperately need. And even when my mind doubts, even when I struggle with the reality of it all, I can hold onto that truth: He loves me. Right now. Right here. With all my flaws, all my questions, all my uncertainties.

Moving Forward in the Midst of Doubt

So do I define myself as Christian? Do I embrace Jesus, despite my doubts, despite the intellectual struggle, despite the questions that remain unanswered? The answer is yes. Yes, because I choose to believe in that love. Yes, because I trust that even in my brokenness, even in my doubt, I am loved unconditionally by God. I may not have all the answers, but I have a love that’s real. A love that calls me back, despite my questioning.

I will keep asking the hard questions. I will keep struggling with the history, the contradictions, the doubts. But I will also keep choosing faith, because in the end, faith isn’t about having everything figured out. It’s about trusting in the love that Jesus offers - a love that’s always there, no matter what.

And maybe that’s enough for now. To know that even with all my doubts, I am loved. Even in my questions, I am accepted. Even when I feel lost, I am found.

Because that’s the thing about Jesus’ love - it doesn’t depend on me having it all figured out. It just depends on me showing up, broken and uncertain, and letting Him love me anyway.

And that, in the end, is the realest thing of all.

Peace,
Faith

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I’ve faced a lot of pressure: the pressure to get everything right, the shame that follows any hint of sin, and the isolation that comes with feeling like I’m not quite enough for God’s love—whether it was because of the mistakes I’ve made or the doubts that linger in my heart. It’s tough to be part of a faith tradition that values certainty above all else when you’re in the middle of a spiritual crisis or a season of question. For many of us, the church can sometimes feel like a place where doubt isn’t welcomed, where questions are viewed as weaknesses, or worse, a ticket to hell. But here’s what I’ve learned in the decade I stepped away from my church and my beliefs: doubt doesn’t mean we’re failing at faith. It means we’re seeking something deeper.

Understanding the Pressure to Be Certain

For many of us who were raised in conservative Christian settings, there’s often an unspoken (and sometimes spoken) expectation: doubt is not okay. The message we receive is that to be a "good Christian" means you must have unwavering faith, an unshakable belief that everything in the Bible is true, and absolute certainty in your relationship with God. You’re supposed to have all the answers, be sure of your salvation, and confidently declare your faith in the face of any challenge.

But what happens when you don't have all the answers? When you question parts of scripture or the ways the church has interpreted it? When you wonder how a loving God can allow suffering, or how science and faith can co-exist? When you wonder if you're truly loved by God, or if your struggles disqualify you from His grace?

There’s a lot of weight in these questions, and for a long time, I felt alone in them. After all, isn’t doubt something that should be avoided? Shouldn’t we be strong enough to push through and just believe? The church certainly didn't seem to be the place to clear this all up in my mind!

The Reality of Doubt: You’re Not Alone

The truth is, doubt is a natural part of the human experience. A study published in the Journal of Psychology and Theology found that 70% of individuals experience some level of doubt at various points in their spiritual journey. Doubt doesn’t make you a bad Christian or a failure at faith—it makes you human.

The Bible is filled with examples of doubt. One of the most famous stories comes from Thomas, often referred to as "Doubting Thomas." After Jesus’ resurrection, when the other disciples saw Him alive and well, Thomas couldn’t believe it until he saw Jesus for himself and touched His wounds. When he finally encountered the risen Christ, Jesus didn’t rebuke him for doubting—He met him in the doubt. Jesus said, “Put your finger here; see my hands. Reach out your hand and put it into my side. Stop doubting and believe” (John 20:27, NIV). But Jesus doesn’t shame Thomas. No. He invites him to experience the truth, to see it for himself, and to believe in his own time and way.

Doubt is not a sin. It’s part of the journey of faith. Just like Thomas, we can bring our doubts to Jesus, and He will meet us in that place.

Acknowledging Doubt: A Step Toward Deeper Faith

Sometimes we think that the right way to navigate doubt is to push it down, pretend it doesn’t exist, or cover it up with surface-level answers. We’re told that questioning our faith is a sign of weakness or a lack of commitment. But what if the opposite is true? What if acknowledging our doubt could be the very thing that leads us to a deeper, more authentic faith?

In the book of Psalms, many of the writers express their doubts and frustrations with God. Take Psalm 73, for example. The psalmist, Asaph, begins by questioning the fairness of life: “Surely God is good to Israel, to those who are pure in heart. But as for me, my feet had almost slipped; I had nearly lost my foothold. For I envied the arrogant when I saw the prosperity of the wicked” (Psalm 73:1-3, NIV). Asaph openly doubts God’s goodness, and he questions why it seems like those who do wrong are thriving. But instead of running from his questions, he brings them before God, and by the end of the psalm, he expresses renewed trust in God's faithfulness (Psalm 73:23-26). Through this process of doubting and questioning, Asaph’s faith is refined, and he ultimately comes to a deeper understanding of God's justice and presence.

When we acknowledge the doubt, we don’t weaken our faith; we make space for it to grow. True faith isn’t the absence of doubt—it’s the trust to keep going even when we don’t have all the answers.

What the Bible Says About Doubt

James 1:6-8 is one of the passages that many people turn to when discussing doubt in the context of faith. It says:

"But when you ask, you must believe and not doubt, because the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. That person should not expect to receive anything from the Lord. Such a person is double-minded and unstable in all they do" (James 1:6-8, NIV).

In these verses, James is addressing the process of asking God for wisdom. The context is not about the kind of doubt that questions God’s existence or love, but about a specific type of doubt: a lack of commitment or double-mindedness when it comes to asking for something from God. James is highlighting the importance of trust and consistency in prayer and faith.

Now, this is where it gets tricky. It seems as though James is saying that any form of doubt disqualifies you from receiving God's wisdom, but what he’s actually pointing out is something deeper. The doubt James describes here is not the kind of doubt where you're struggling with your faith and trying to work through your questions. It’s a doubt that stems from being double-minded or divided in your loyalty—someone who isn’t fully committed to trusting in God's goodness and His ability to provide answers.

In other words, James is addressing those who are unable to decide whether they trust God enough to act in faith, or whether they will rely on their own understanding. This isn’t about wrestling with questions of faith, but about refusing to fully trust God and expecting Him to give you what you ask for without truly believing He will. The warning here is that divided loyalty in your faith—being uncertain whether to trust God or rely on your own solutions—leads to instability in your life.

How Does This Relate to Us Today?

If we look at this in light of our own lives, the point James is making is incredibly relevant. It’s okay to have questions, to wrestle with doubt, and to not always have complete clarity. But if your doubt leads you to question God’s ability, goodness, or willingness to act, then you're not fully trusting in Him. If you approach God in prayer with a heart that says, “I don’t think He’ll really answer this, but I’ll ask anyway,” that’s the kind of wavering that James warns against. Faith requires a kind of consistency in belief: that God is good, He is listening, and He has the power to answer—even when you don’t understand how or when.

What James seems to be saying is that doubt becomes problematic when it leads us to reject God’s goodness or power. It's not the occasional, fleeting doubt about one’s salvation or understanding of scripture that disqualifies us from receiving from God, but rather a refusal to commit fully to trusting God in our times of need.How Does This Relate to Us Today?

If we look at this in light of our own lives, the point James is making is incredibly relevant. It’s okay to have questions, to wrestle with doubt, and to not always have complete clarity. But if your doubt leads you to question God’s ability, goodness, or willingness to act, then you're not fully trusting in Him. If you approach God in prayer with a heart that says, “I don’t think He’ll really answer this, but I’ll ask anyway,” that’s the kind of wavering that James warns against. Faith requires a kind of consistency in belief: that God is good, He is listening, and He has the power to answer—even when you don’t understand how or when.

What James seems to be saying is that doubt becomes problematic when it leads us to reject God’s goodness or power. It's not the occasional, fleeting doubt about one’s salvation or understanding of scripture that disqualifies us from receiving from God, but rather a refusal to commit fully to trusting God in our times of need.

Practical Ways to Navigate Doubt in a Faith Tradition that Values Certainty

Acknowledge Your Doubts Without Shame
The first step in navigating doubt is acknowledging it. Doubt doesn’t make you a bad Christian or unworthy of God’s love. You don’t need to hide your questions. Instead of feeling guilty, recognize that doubt is part of your spiritual journey, and it’s okay to ask questions. When we’re honest about our doubts, we give God space to meet us where we are.

Engage with Scripture Honestly
Sometimes, we shy away from certain parts of the Bible because they challenge us or don’t make sense. But the Bible is full of complexity, contradictions, and depth—and that’s okay. Approach Scripture with curiosity and openness. It’s not about finding all the answers right away, but about engaging with the text and allowing it to speak to you in different seasons of your life.

Surround Yourself with a Supportive Community
Find people who are willing to walk with you through your doubts. If you’re struggling with questions, it can be incredibly helpful to talk with someone who has navigated similar struggles. Surround yourself with people who are willing to explore faith openly and who won’t judge you for questioning.

Embrace the Mystery of Faith
Faith is never about having all the answers. There will always be aspects of God’s character and His ways that remain mysterious to us. But instead of trying to solve every mystery, learn to embrace the mystery. Faith is trusting in the unknown, and sometimes the questions themselves are a beautiful part of the journey.

Remember That Jesus Loves You—Doubt and All
Above all else, remember that Jesus loves you deeply, no matter where you are in your faith journey. He isn’t looking for perfection; He’s looking for honesty. Just as He met Thomas in his doubt, He will meet you too. There is no shame in your questions—only an invitation to deeper trust and intimacy with God.

Navigating doubt in a faith tradition that values certainty is hard. But remember, you’re not alone in your struggle. Doubt isn’t a sign of weakness; it’s an invitation to deepen your faith. Just as God met Thomas and the psalmist in their doubt, He will meet you where you are. Faith isn’t about having all the answers—it’s about trusting God with our questions.

So, friend, don’t be afraid of your doubts. They don’t disqualify you from God’s love or His plans for your life. They are simply part of the beautiful, messy, and deeply human journey of faith. Take it one step at a time, and know that, like me, you are loved by God no matter where you are on your spiritual path.

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