For ten years, I walked away. I turned my back on Christianity, on everything I was raised to believe. I rejected it all because after I went through a divorce, after my family rejected me, after I found myself pregnant and unwed, I couldn’t reconcile the faith I was taught with the reality I was living. The wounds were too deep, the shame too great. It wasn’t just people and the church who had abandoned me - it was God, too. Or at least, that’s what I thought.
I decided it was all a lie. I told myself it was smarter to follow my logic. To reject the Bible, to reject the teachings I grew up with. I couldn’t ignore the contradictions anymore. The historical fallacies. The parts of the Bible that just didn’t make sense. It all seemed so impossible, so unrealistic. There were so many questions I couldn’t answer, so many things that didn’t add up. How could I still believe in something that seemed so fully fictional? How could I trust in something that had so much evidence against it? My mind, full of reason and doubt, said it wasn’t real. And so I walked away. I shut the door on God, on Jesus, on everything I had known.
But time has a way of changing things. Slowly, I started to rebuild my life. I found a new love - one that’s real, healthy, solid. My husband is exactly what I needed. Someone who accepts and loves me for who I am, communicates kindly and with empathy; who understands that I am a flawed human who makes mistakes. He chooses to be committed to me and to our marriage, and allows room for the fact that I'm going to make mistakes as a human being. And I strengthened my friendships, found a community that loves me without judgment. I’ve healed my mental health, too. The darkness of the past has lifted, and I see more clearly now. But still… there’s a part of me that aches for something I can’t fully touch, something I can’t fully understand.
And while my husband, kids, friends, and community are all amazing, no one human can meet all our needs or love us perfectly. I also can't provide that for anyone, and I understand and accept that, but there’s a part of me that yearns for a deeper, unconditional, unwavering, all-accepting, all-encompassing love that isn't bound by human limitations. A love that’s described by how Jesus loved but that feels so distant, so elusive. I want it. I want to believe in it, to trust in it with everything I have. But I can’t help but ask: Is it real? Can I really believe in this love that the Bible speaks of when the very thing I read is full of contradictions, of things that don’t make sense, of historical inaccuracies that scream at me every time I try to read it with open eyes?
The Struggle of Wanting It and Doubting It
I feel like I’m standing on the edge of something. Something I want, something I need, but something I’m not sure is real. The longing for Jesus’ love, the love that is unconditional, unrelenting, always there, never dependent on who I am or what I do - that love sounds like the answer to everything I’ve been searching for. I want to believe in it. I need to believe in it. But I can’t get past the questions.
How can I believe in a book that was written centuries ago, for a different culture, mindset, lifestyle, and with all its inconsistencies? How can I trust in stories that don’t seem to fit with what I know to be true or possible? How can I reconcile the love Jesus offers with the harshness I see in the world, or even in the church itself?
My heart is torn. I want to follow Jesus. I want to live the way He called us to, with love, with grace, with forgiveness. I want to believe that His death and resurrection mean something for me, that they offer hope in my brokenness, but the weight of doubt feels so heavy. The intellectual side of me can’t escape the contradictions, the fallacies, the unanswered questions. And it leaves me wondering: What if it’s not real? What if it’s all just a fairy tale, a beautiful story we tell ourselves to make sense of a broken world?
And yet… I want it to be real. Desperately. I want to believe in that love. I want to know that Jesus sees me in all my mess and still chooses me. That He loves me even when I struggle. Even when I don’t understand. Even when I doubt every word I read in the Bible.
Is It Real? Can I Trust It?
That’s the question that haunts me every day: Is it real? I read the Bible and I see things that feel impossible - stories that don’t seem to match up with what I know of history or science. I’ve learned too much to ignore the fallacies, the contradictions, the things that just don’t make sense. So how can I trust it? How can I believe it?
And then there’s the other side of me - the side that desperately wants this to be true. The side that has longed for unconditional love, for a peace that wraps me in its arms. The side that still believes that Jesus’ message of love and grace is what this world needs. I want it. I need it. I can’t imagine living without that hope. But can I have that hope and still wrestle with doubt? Can I yearn for Jesus’ love while questioning the very foundation of the faith?
I think the answer is yes. I think I can still choose to believe, even if I don’t have all the answers. Even if I can’t reconcile every piece of history, every contradiction, every fallacy that my mind throws at me. I think belief isn’t about having everything figured out. It’s about choosing to trust in love - trusting that what I yearn for is real, even when my head says otherwise.
The Love I Long For
I think of the love that Jesus offers - the kind of love that doesn’t ask me to be perfect, doesn’t demand I have all the answers, doesn’t turn away because of my doubts. That love is what I need. That love is what I long for. The love that forgives me, the love that sees me as I am, and still holds me close. The love that doesn’t ask me to fix myself before I come to Him, but says, “Come as you are. I love you no matter what.”
Romans 5:8 says, “But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.”
It doesn’t say that we have to have all the answers or be perfect before we can receive His love. It says He loves us while we’re still sinners, while we’re still broken, while we’re still questioning. That’s the love I want. The love I desperately need. And even when my mind doubts, even when I struggle with the reality of it all, I can hold onto that truth: He loves me. Right now. Right here. With all my flaws, all my questions, all my uncertainties.
Moving Forward in the Midst of Doubt
So do I define myself as Christian? Do I embrace Jesus, despite my doubts, despite the intellectual struggle, despite the questions that remain unanswered? The answer is yes. Yes, because I choose to believe in that love. Yes, because I trust that even in my brokenness, even in my doubt, I am loved unconditionally by God. I may not have all the answers, but I have a love that’s real. A love that calls me back, despite my questioning.
I will keep asking the hard questions. I will keep struggling with the history, the contradictions, the doubts. But I will also keep choosing faith, because in the end, faith isn’t about having everything figured out. It’s about trusting in the love that Jesus offers - a love that’s always there, no matter what.
And maybe that’s enough for now. To know that even with all my doubts, I am loved. Even in my questions, I am accepted. Even when I feel lost, I am found.
Because that’s the thing about Jesus’ love - it doesn’t depend on me having it all figured out. It just depends on me showing up, broken and uncertain, and letting Him love me anyway.
And that, in the end, is the realest thing of all.
Peace,
Faith
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